What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 10:33
One cannot live in the past .
But, we were locked up after school.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was very sick at this time too.
I will be 64.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was 9 years of age.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why do people who were very kind and loving once become cold-hearted?
We were not on the streets..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
What is the scariest thing that ever happened in your life?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Comes on , in middle age.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why am I always so tired and I don't eat enough?
I could never make a relationship work though!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
It was going to be , some day.
How airline fees have turned baggage into billions - BBC
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was scared of men, in general
My life is so biszare .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Why did i forgive my father ?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I don,t even have a pension.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I couldn’t, believe it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
This is soul school!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So whats the point in blame.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She wouldn,t have been !
She married twice! .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Who then, do I blame.?
She found it foreign!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We all went to grammer schools
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I waited trembling.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I have no regrets .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
What did i know ?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I never cut or harmed myself..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was seconnd youngest,
He knew the spot.
All the time i was locked up.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Ive learnt so much.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My family never makes their pension either.
I think the readers, may guess!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And i lived it daily.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But it wasn’t much.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
When she asked me how she looked .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Would this be the day?
Im still living with it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She loved him until the end.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Put me off passion for life!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I said to her
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Especially a lifetime of it.
She was in good health!